The U.S. bank Wells Fargo sucks. I’ve always thought so, but today more than ever. Allow me to explain.
It’s rather obvious that Wells Fargo is trying to “get the customer back” after they helped destroy the economy by giving loans to people who were clearly not qualified. Now, whether or not they’re trying to do that again remains a mystery. But I’m talking about plain ‘ol customer service. I hate it. No matter how a major company tries to cater to my needs, make my experience more appealing, or just plain appease me, they manage to get it wrong. They could hang a sign that says “Come in today to invest in a 5 yr. CD and receive a free blow job from Katie Perry!” and I’d probably just mutter meh.
I went in to my local branch today to deposit a check I had been issued for a coffee machine I bought a couple months back. I hate checks, almost more than currency. But until the world becomes completely electronic, I’m forced to go to my neighborhood money house.
The following is a transcript of what was said when I walked up to the teller.
(Before a word was spoken, I placed the endorsed check and deposit slip in front of her.)
“Hello, welcome to Wells Fargo. What can I do for you today?”
(I motion my eyes towards the check with the facial expression “I think it’s pretty clear what you can do for me.”)
“So, you’d like to deposit this check? OK, that’s no problem. I can certainly do that for you today.” Could you please swipe your debit card and enter your PIN please?”
“What for?”
“It ensures that we have the right account”
(As I get out my card and swipe, I mention that I never had to do this before.)
“Plus, it’s so we don’t have to enter in the account number manually.”
(I’m thinking “Ahh…so basically you’d like me to do this part of your job for you. That’s fair.)
“So, do you go by Matt or Matthew?”
(I look up at her with a confused look.) “I’m sorry?”
“Matt or Matthew. Which do you go by?”
(Even more confused since that information in no way helps in getting my check amount into my account, I fumble for the shortest answer.) “Uh…it..it doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, OK. Well my name is Rachel. It’s nice to meet you Matt.”
(What the fuck? Is this chick hitting on me or something?! What the hell does this have to do with anything?!) “Uh-huh” I mumble.
“OK then, we’re just about done entering it into the computer.”
(Thanks for the update.) “Mhrm.”
*pause*
“OK, I’ve gone ahead and placed that money into your account. Keep in mind that it may not show up until this evening or at the latest tomorrow morning. Let me just get you your receipt.”
“mhrm.”
“OK, here’s your receipt. I’ve also gone ahead and printed out your balance as well.”
(What the hell for? I didn’t ask you to do that.) “Why?”
“Just for convenience. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”
(As I’m walking away) “No.”
“OK then. Thanks for stopping into Wells Fargo and have a nice day, OK?”
“Mhrm.”
Why are they trying so damn hard?!?! What the hell is the point?! I don’t need my ego stroked. I don’t want anything I didn’t ask for. And I certainly don’t need any more friends. You want to impress me? Do what I came in for and do it efficiently. And for the love of all things holy, no mother-fucking small talk.
If you wanted to keep me as a customer, here’s how it should have gone:
(Before a word is spoken, I place the endorsed check and deposit slip in front of her.)
“Hi there. Just the deposit?”
“Yes.”
*pause for her to enter in the information and print out the receipt*
“Here’s you receipt for the deposit. Anything else I can do for you?”
“No, thanks.”
“OK, see ya.”
“Later.”
Fuck this. I’m changing banks.
